I miss my cubicle

I know what some of you are thinking "He finaly gave in. He's packing up his things and returning to his regular 9-5pm routine." If you are thinking that, you're wrong. I actualy mean I miss seperating work from life at times.

Working from home is a wonderful thing. You have the ability to dress as you please, work long or short hours and pretty much do things the way you want to. It's wonderful for the first few months. The total freedom is exhilarating. But as time goes and projects pile up the ability to do what you want or work as long as you want can take a toll on you. Well this is one of the reasons for my blog. I am trying to jump these hurdles self-employment brings and document the success and failures and hopefuly empart some of the knowledge I gain to you.

Well this week I found myself feeling like my work space gave me to much freedom to wander. I was facing the window and had the ability to see all of the great things going on outside. Birds flying, parking lot accidents, children playing, parents screaming, etc... got my attention easily. My workspace felt like a comfortable place to relax and people watch but did not feel like a work space.

I had to do something or else I would spend more time having Netflix breaks then spend late nights completing projects (cool when I was a bachelor, not when I'm married). I decided to reconfigure my space. I set it up as a cubicle. The only difference is I have a wall of windows, which is a lot less claustophobic.

I invested in an ergonomic chair because the old folding chair did not work anymore. I spend a lot more time these days on my computer and If I intend on doing this for years I need something more confortable that has better back support. I also got a chairmat since I have carpet (a must since I'm in an appartment) to not wear a path in it as I roll to the printer.

I also decided to organize all of my office equipment. I had things haphazzarly placed. When I could not find my stapler I found myself wandering the house looking for it then realizing I need to wash clothes, which later sent me to the mailbox to check the mail (my random mind at work).

To sum things up when being self employed turn your workspace into a professional office space. It's true that being self employed gives us lots of freedom to do things when and how we want. But to be successful the bounderies between work and play are necessary. I chose to create a safe space I can easily walk away, forget and go out and play, rather than a space that continualy calls me to "check e-mail" or "complete a project".

Health Care (oh oh politics)

I'm sorry I try my best not to spend to much time on politics because it never seems to fail to divide people regardless of what side you're on. But on my walk several questions popped in my head I had to share. As a disclaimer I'm no political guru so, know this is written in pure opinion.

The biggest debate on the health care issue is people equating socialism with providing great health care services to ALL Americans. I hear people saying they do not want to fund some people's bad decisions. "It verges on socialism" they say "and we will have equal access to resources. Those of us who have worked hard will have to fork over our hard earned money to those who sit and do nothing." 

I disagree, what if we said that on all aspects of American life that "verge" on Socialism?  We could say we don't want to have to pay for the US postal service to deliver our mail. We could use FedEx or UPS and allow competition to form and we can get mail at the speed we want.  We could say why should we have to pay for older people's Medicare? They lived long enough, they should have planed for their later years. Why even pay for policemen? we can all get guns and protect ourselves or we can each get private security. Why even have libraries? the Internet works or everyone can buy a Kindle if they really want to read.

As absurd as these questions I pose, why shouldn't all Americans get good health care? Why should someone like me have to pay triple in insurance because I chose to follow a dream? Why even after paying that do I have to fight with an insurance company on something they told me was covered 2 months ago? I hope we stop with this greed mentality of me me me and realize we are all one step away from being on the other side of the track.

Ants

It's funny how something as simple as walking can unlock hidden memories. I was thinking today of one of my funnest childhood memories. It did not involve a video game, getting clothes, watching a television show. Instead it a memory involving ants.

I remember my brother and I were outside at our house in Cameroon, Africa, we had a raised concrete front porch and we were sitting at the base of it. We were staring at ants all day long. We were imagining the conversations the ants were having. Looking at them working together to carry things that were 1000's of times larger than they were. We saw wars between red ants and black ants. We saw them build mounds in a day. We saw their political structure how their armies worked who brought the food back. It was amazing. My brother and I immediately wanted to create a shrink ray and an ant language decoder and whatever and develop a sent like theirs because we didn't want them to know we were tiny humans lol. We wanted to be able to go in the cave and explore and see what secrets were inside. 

It's funny how now as an adult ants do not elicit the same feelings. Instead I want to kill them when they enter my domain. I no longer yearn to see the inside of their homes I want to use some Terminix and smoke them out. Adulthood makes us so violent and angry lol. But those where great days and I yearn for kids these days to have imagination and figure things out on their own.  

Another thing, thinking of that memory apparently made me seem pleasant because I believe I have gotten the most hellos I've ever had during my walk. I guess happy thoughts don't just make you fly they make you friends :0)

Escape

The first thing I decided when I began walking was I would not listen to any music. I wanted to use this opportunity to listen to nature's music. I wanted to observe people's actions, learn a thing or two from my surroundings. I also wanted to be polite. I tend to use technology as an escape, a way to not have to interact with people. I believe many of us do the exact same thing.

On my walk today I noticed everyone I came across had headphones. Which is fine, but I realize why they have them on. Whenever I came across someone I smiled at them and said good morning as loud as I could. Some people I even waived to but they were in the "zone" and practically ignored me. Many of they I know saw me a mile away and many even locked eyes with me, but they had a headphone so they were exempt from any courtesy.

We do the same with our cell phones. I dare anyone especially of my generation to go into a room of people they do not know and wait for an event to start without fidgeting and looking for a cell phone. Technology is great but let's not use it as a means to fix our shyness or fear of people. Let's just say good morning/afternoon/evening and see what comes of it.

Green Grass

Who came up with green grass? I say this because today is landscape day around here. I can hear the lawnmowers mowing while I walk and can see grass flying from all directions. This really make me think about how capitalism really works. A person sold the idea of the green grass and we all see it as the dream we must attain. I understand people with children wanting them to have a place to run and play, but even then parents now a days do not want their kids messing up the grass. Why must we buy Lawnmowers and weed whackers? Why must we waste water? Why must we show it off? Why do businesses have it especially in these lean times? The money spent on that can save one employees job.

I can see having a vegetables and fruit trees on your lawn. But try having it in your front lawn of your home and see your neighbors reaction. I don't understand this concept. Someone please explain it to me.

Let's take a long walk

(forgot to post this yesterday)

Today I felt a bit down. I have so much to get done today I got a bit overwhelmed in terms of what to start first. I decide to walk a little bit longer than usual hoping to come up with a plan for the day. I took a different route because I really wanted to walk.

I must have been running from something because I kept pushing myself to go further and further away from the house. I noticed a lot of neat things for starters I noticed that further down the street there are nice neighbors who have a tree fort in their front yard and grow sunflowers. I noticed that we have a lot of retiree walkers. I also found a local park. In all of the months driving I never saw that park sign. But while exploring today I found it and walked the Greenway trail. It was wonderful. It was green not hearing cars and listening to a creek flow. It was a wonderful experience. I looked at google maps to see the total amount of walking I did I walked 3.4 miles. I feel much better and am ready to tackle the day

It's funny how driving/riding in cars have made us underestimate the amount of ground we cover. They also make us miss the hidden treasures. We are so preoccupied to get from point A to Point B we tend to miss the signs, the people, the place we live in.

Observation

I'm no psychologist but I'm convinced racism is an anxiety, an irrational fear of the unknown. I say this because today a man nearly got himself hurt to avoid walking next to me. Let me set the scene: I'm taking my usual route today, passing the golf course to get to the railroad tracks. As I get ready to make my left turn to begin my walk I notice an older white man walking in a slow pace to my right. I thought nothing of it I knew since I was walking slowly we were going to cross paths so I gave him plenty of room to walk next to me. I kept walking waving to neighbors and then noticed the man got off the sidewalk and ran past me onto oncoming traffic. I was baffled the man rather run past me in front of oncoming traffic rather than walk next to me on a sidewalk. When he got 10 feet ahead of me he came back on the sidewalk and walked at his normal pace. It kind of got me that he would rather hurt himself than suffer an awkward conversion with me.

But as I write this note I am doing some introspection. Why am I assuming it's racism? He can just be afraid of people. If I were another race maybe he would have responded the same way. It might have just been an awkward reaction to anxiety. I'm fighting my own demons as I mentioned on my first post. Maybe power is given to racism by just giving those thoughts power over our reactions. So I'll keep walking. I'll keep looking out for this man and see how he reacts when he passes others before I call it racism. I will still be kind to those I pass in the street. His anxiety will not get the best of me.

Friday!

Wow I can't believe it's Friday. Today is a rather interesting day because I have nothing to say. I usually can extrude meaning out of every moment during my walk. But today I decided to let my mind wander and enjoy the walk and that's just what I did. I'm pretty sure the next entry will be a bit more exciting than this. If you haven't read my previous posts, take some time to read them. :0)

Palaces

Day four of my magical walks and I still am loving it. Now I got my body senses to feel when it's time to walk hehe.

Today I took my usual route and saw how much I've grown in the past few years. My wife and I are blessed to be in our modest apartment with the necessities covered (now that I'm freelancing the "wants" are curtailed *smile*). We pay under $600 for rent (told you we are not rich) and live just about on top of a Golf Course as I mentioned on my first post. With this being said on my walks I see multi-million dollar homes everyday. They are majestic palaces with more rooms to spare. Nice cars drive in and out of those houses with the manicured landscape, yet it doesn't phase me. Why is that? Could it be the For Sale signs all over the place for these homes? Could it be the FACES of defeat I notice driving from those homes? Could it be I never see any children playing on those manicured yards? If it where me a few year ago I would be in awe, but now it doesn't even get a reaction from me.

My value system has changed. This economy has really opened my eyes on things. Things like character, passion, love, friendships, truth are of more value to me than material possessions. We amass more and more things to fill a void that can easily be filled with love. A love for self, a love for others, a love for the nature around us. I find myself in these walks realizing things are not bad, but what level in priority we place them determines it goodness or evil. Parents who place amassing money for the children rather than being with the children lose out on being formative forces in their children's growth. Relationship focused on showing people what we have only make us miss out what others have to offer. Businesses who focus on greed rather than service eventually #fail.

I have definitely grown in past few years. I hope I keep growing and learn who I really am and what I'm supposed to be. Until then I'll keep walking and writing. Eventually all will be clear.

Orange

This morning was another great walking day. I guess September is the perfect time to take a walk. Like yesterday there was a nice breeze, but unlike yesterday there were less cars so I didn't have to deal with noise pollution.

I took my usual path but today nature did not grab my attention. Instead the color orange got me today. As I was walking I could see an elderly Indian woman in her orange Sari (thank you Google) walking on the other side of the street. She walked in a far quicker pace than me but her face summed up the whole reason why I began walking. Not to get into shape (though I need to), not to be nosy and see what the neighbors are doing, instead it's to gain that face. She seemed at peace, she seemed to appreciate each step she took. Unlike the faces of defeat I saw yesterday, in her face I saw victory. The control of each step, the look of joy as she looked ahead.

I do not want to wait until then to appreciate each step ahead. Although I'm young, none of us know how long we have on this earth and hopping to wait until retirement to appreciate each step is foolish. So I will keep walking and shed my face of defeat for one of victory.

Cages

Today is day two of my walk. I was certain I would have nothing to talk about today I was sure the novelty of breathing fresh air and walking would have worn out by now. But surprisingly it didn't. Instead I find myself trying to see what new lesson I am going to learn.

Today I left later than usual for my walk. I almost got back into my state of getting out of bed and going straight to today's agenda when I realized I was late for my walk. As I stepped out today something kind of distracted me as I was walking. I couldn't hear the crickets as loud as I did yesterday nor were the birds as chirpy. After a few minutes of frustration I finally realized the source of my aggravation. It was the CARS....I left a bit late today so everyone where driving to work. So the usual peaceful walk was polluted with car noises. As I did yesterday I shook that off and tried to enjoy the nature. As I hit my railroad spot and turned around I saw something, something familiar, something I quite forgot since I have been freelancing. I saw the FACE. When I began walking I was facing traffic when I turned around I was against the traffic and saw the FACE. All of the drivers had the exact same face. The face of defeat. It was kind of depressing everyone looked as though they dreaded where they were going. The cars looked like cages sending them to their final destinations.

Oh I remember those days so well. Not that I hated my job it was the routine, the lack of freedom the feeling of becoming a drone drove me crazy. Even the perfect job becomes dull without variety or flexibility. It's like having your favorite food every night, after a while it gets old.

I wish we understood how much we are destroying humanity as we know it. We are in cages doing things as robots. No interaction with nature, no time to actually cultivate friendships, we just drone around getting from point A to point B. Using stereotypes as a method to gage who people are, use television as the cliff notes to understand the great work that is our lives. We think fast, move fast but are we actually doing anything?

My first walk

Today is Monday august 31st 2009 and I decided to take a walk this morning. I don't usually do this sort of thing because I have been in a perpetual state of 7:30-5pm work schedules. When I returned home from work then I did my second job which is freelance web and graphic design. But everything has been turned around now that I freelance full time. I find myself yearning human and nature contact. When my wife leaves for work I pretty much find myself alone with my thoughts in the house until she returns. So I decided this morning to take a walk. It was a dreary looking day but I decided to go out anyway and enjoy the fresh air.

As I began walking I felt so free and relaxed then I came across a mom and her kids the relaxation kind of faded for a second because she seemed to stare at me. Why did my rested state disappear when I began to see this person?...let me set this scene a little bit better, I am a black male, just recently moved into a pretty high end side of town with my wife (where we are extremely close to a golf course...I know what you are thinking... we are not rich). We are usually reserved so our neighbors rarely see us. I just started freelancing so I kind of let my beard grow and I just got out of bed to walk and as I previously mentioned I am a black male. With that being said I immediately began guessing what she was thinking. Who is this person? Is this place safe for my kids? Here goes the neighborhood. Then I shut my mind off and told myself I am being racist against myself!!! I waved to her and the kids and kept walking.

I walked again for a few more minute enjoying the cool breeze, looking at the golf course to my left, wondering what exorbitant amount of money people pay to play that game, and BLAM the relaxing moment became tense again. I could see 300ft ahead of me an older Asian lady was passing by, I didn't want to be scary because again I am a black male, fully bearded, with the just got out of bed and decided to walk look. So I made sure to give her plenty of space to walk and as we got nearer to one another I said "good morning" she smiled and said good morning back. Relief...I made a big deal out of that situation I need to get some help about these anxieties...lol.

I walked again and saw that my street is about to end into a set of railroad tracks and decided to turn around and go back. Again that wonderful breeze blew and my enjoyment of the outdoors returned. I looked at some beautiful red flowers then again my anxiety senses started tingling...530ft away 2 white middle aged women...I noticed they were not talking when I first spotted them they were looking straight ahead then when they saw me they started some conversation that seemed forced to not look like they were looking at me...I keep looking straight ahead, I passed them and said "good morning" they ignored me. So you know what went through my head..."oh am I'm so threatening with my seminary emblemed Sweatshirt". The rudeness kind of bothered me, but I forgot it and enjoyed the rest of my walk. As I was getting closer to home, all types of people waved at me, smiled at me and even stopped their cars to let me cross the street.

As I am now home able to reconstruct this walk I notices a few great points about human nature:

1. A lot of fears and anxiety and racial problems are perception related, we always assume we know what "others" are thinking when in reality, we know nothing, and the only way to learn anything is by communicating.
   
2. We tend to posture to make others feel safe about us when in reality we shouldn't have to. Just being ourselves should be enough. Because in posturing no one truly know the breadth of character you possess. People could never know you are 3D not 2D Conversaly people posture to make themselves seem threatening so that you don't bother them, by being rude. (IE the middle aged women)
   
3. We need to get out of our "bubble" once in a while and go out and enjoy nature and interact with humans in a non-forced fabricated way and face our inner demons, those voices that make us think people look at us differently.

I will now walk everyday God willing and not hide because I believe the world sees me as a scary monster but instead be seen as one of the neighbors who love them as I love myself.