My first walk

Today is Monday august 31st 2009 and I decided to take a walk this morning. I don't usually do this sort of thing because I have been in a perpetual state of 7:30-5pm work schedules. When I returned home from work then I did my second job which is freelance web and graphic design. But everything has been turned around now that I freelance full time. I find myself yearning human and nature contact. When my wife leaves for work I pretty much find myself alone with my thoughts in the house until she returns. So I decided this morning to take a walk. It was a dreary looking day but I decided to go out anyway and enjoy the fresh air.

As I began walking I felt so free and relaxed then I came across a mom and her kids the relaxation kind of faded for a second because she seemed to stare at me. Why did my rested state disappear when I began to see this person?...let me set this scene a little bit better, I am a black male, just recently moved into a pretty high end side of town with my wife (where we are extremely close to a golf course...I know what you are thinking... we are not rich). We are usually reserved so our neighbors rarely see us. I just started freelancing so I kind of let my beard grow and I just got out of bed to walk and as I previously mentioned I am a black male. With that being said I immediately began guessing what she was thinking. Who is this person? Is this place safe for my kids? Here goes the neighborhood. Then I shut my mind off and told myself I am being racist against myself!!! I waved to her and the kids and kept walking.

I walked again for a few more minute enjoying the cool breeze, looking at the golf course to my left, wondering what exorbitant amount of money people pay to play that game, and BLAM the relaxing moment became tense again. I could see 300ft ahead of me an older Asian lady was passing by, I didn't want to be scary because again I am a black male, fully bearded, with the just got out of bed and decided to walk look. So I made sure to give her plenty of space to walk and as we got nearer to one another I said "good morning" she smiled and said good morning back. Relief...I made a big deal out of that situation I need to get some help about these anxieties...lol.

I walked again and saw that my street is about to end into a set of railroad tracks and decided to turn around and go back. Again that wonderful breeze blew and my enjoyment of the outdoors returned. I looked at some beautiful red flowers then again my anxiety senses started tingling...530ft away 2 white middle aged women...I noticed they were not talking when I first spotted them they were looking straight ahead then when they saw me they started some conversation that seemed forced to not look like they were looking at me...I keep looking straight ahead, I passed them and said "good morning" they ignored me. So you know what went through my head..."oh am I'm so threatening with my seminary emblemed Sweatshirt". The rudeness kind of bothered me, but I forgot it and enjoyed the rest of my walk. As I was getting closer to home, all types of people waved at me, smiled at me and even stopped their cars to let me cross the street.

As I am now home able to reconstruct this walk I notices a few great points about human nature:

1. A lot of fears and anxiety and racial problems are perception related, we always assume we know what "others" are thinking when in reality, we know nothing, and the only way to learn anything is by communicating.
   
2. We tend to posture to make others feel safe about us when in reality we shouldn't have to. Just being ourselves should be enough. Because in posturing no one truly know the breadth of character you possess. People could never know you are 3D not 2D Conversaly people posture to make themselves seem threatening so that you don't bother them, by being rude. (IE the middle aged women)
   
3. We need to get out of our "bubble" once in a while and go out and enjoy nature and interact with humans in a non-forced fabricated way and face our inner demons, those voices that make us think people look at us differently.

I will now walk everyday God willing and not hide because I believe the world sees me as a scary monster but instead be seen as one of the neighbors who love them as I love myself.